August 26, 2009 - 6:39 p.m.
i have been considering stopping this blog post this last birthday, I have been writing in it for over 6 years geez i can't think of much else I can maintain that long. for some reason that seems a bit much a place to write yourself down and I feel less like writing my desperate moments down into the abyss anymore - actually just those moments in general i no longer want them- people don't change and no one is responsible for anyone elses behavior or happiness. i may change my outlook on things.. i want to be zen, i can become able to feel less hurt in what others do, if it is realized it is never about me, there is a comfort in that. i am beginning to understand there is nothing i can do to have someone act a way that i would like and they are not responsible for my reaction to what they chose to do. But also it is ok to react and have feelings about things, it makes one human. Not that years of moments to withdrawal into writing has not made me not human just not one especially good at sharing my feelings with real live in front of me people. maybe i am autistic or something I found a journal from when i was with m it had a beautiful poem he wrote to me i hardly remember he was that sweet and i hardly remember writing so much when i was with him- but i did lots of journals full, less than half the words were love the other half fear of losing him and the higher percentage created the end. And ever since then the patterns go on, not able to quite get it right. What else is left? actually myself is what is left and has been left- time to change the story and my view- all that has failed me has just created a clearer picture, realizing love was never going to save me it just is...a vibration and those that match get it and those that don't - don't. It isn't sad or anything, at all, its just fluid.
