August 21, 2009 - 1:32 a.m.
had an awesome birthday indeed- it had began from a downward spiral ending now at this lovely, peaceful, quiet, my heart is full space. Up late last night it began at around midnight twb surrounded by good people and all but felt that undercurrent that happens with an empty belly and wine soaked brain; i am a failure with no love to call my own, no paid work, hardly enough money for rent not sure how i am gonna keep going...maybe i shouldn't, darkness. sad. lonely. old. hardly have accomplished enough in this life. why bother?. crying in the bathroom bullsh*t. collected thyself. shared a cab with A got home. slept. awoke. headache. yoga. better. a very nice lunch & hanging with one of my favorite people. walk home. sweat. clean. sweat. shower. sweat. run downstairs drinks & dinner with friends. sweat. it was freaking hot today. more people show up for drinks. awkward hurt moment. decided this is the year i am going to be a duck!! things are going to roll off my back...i too can be detached from emotional investments. clarification. a duck can create boundaries and decide where it wants to be. calm. wine. surrounded by friends. good people in my apartment haven't had this many folks in my space in too long. now it is people energized! now late nite solo one last glass and writing feeling abundant, i am loved, just didn't know where to see it, it feels good.
