June 21, 2009 - 1:07 a.m.
for some reason in moments of maturity, clarity or this last and possibly one more beer i realize
i have never wanted to admit that i am actually a family inclined person and some day I'd like my own in addition to the one that exists- i do have my brooklyn family and immediate family of mom dad & bro, which i embrace fully but i actually one day would like my own in which a man who i find fantastic to tell me he only loves me and wants to build a life with only me and quite possibly would want to create a household with kids no more than 3, sun filled weekend drives and pancakes- sort of funny how i took such things for granted growing up and it is what i long for (but acknowledge i need an income and some stabilty first)- my adoloescent years like most american kids were mainly filled moments where i wish i had been born of unknown individuals that had gave me up and left me in the woods or floating on a random river and lucky for me somehow was found by these "alien adoptors" or my "new not biologically linked parents" for some reason age 10 and on i felt frustrated by having such a structured environment of stability... everyone elses parents were getting divorced and many years into a decade(s) or so past puberty i still find it unsettling how long my folks have been together and are seemingly happy that way-for the most part this uneasiness sprouts because i can't find that love or anything even close in my life - any long term thing relationship wise for me doesn't have a happy shelf life past 6 months until it starts to curdle and spoil and i just feel i fail it- -also statistically speaking it probably won't happen for me. because it is all around me - i see it happen... happy people being together and happy being together- it is where i came from or at least they have been great actors this whole time-guess no one ever knows everything- all i know is I can't fake it - the truth got beaten out of me a long time ago and i lost that fine beautiful amazing skill to lie and here in is the problem living in the world of too much information - screws it all up cause no man really wants to hear about all that you think-oooh bitterness...alas that is what embraces me with it's not so comfortingness ok one more beer might help
