April 24, 2009 - 10:45 p.m.
Been looking back through some of my super old entries. and wow do i build patterns of malfunctioning in the world of love. it is ever apparent these days as well i can't stop fighting with a. am trying to figure out the disconnect from my heart and brain. every romantic relationship i have had sort of goes this way me freaking the f out. currently i am in love with a man that post beers and whiskey i can be incredibly unkind to. i make him feel bad why do i do that? ultimately i want him to feel good, want him to be with me and feel good being with me. i think it is because up until now i have been largely disappointed with men and have been lied to ALOT. might as well sabotage before this reality which has potential to be something great can exist. but i don't feel that way entirely this time, i am not disappointed only in my own act outs (lately i don't like the way i handle too much alcohol) in this relationship i am learning and i am hopeful even, i just feel this pull that is extremely visceral, real, sometimes messy but mostly fun. I just want to love but i am forcing, and love doesn't work that way, i thought i got over this problem in peru, apparently not.
