April 03, 2009 - 5:44 a.m.
early morning of day #3
arghh i have such a headache right now and have not been able to sleep much last night/this morning had to get up alot- the cleanse is working full force clearing me out (kinda gross), hopefully i can try to calm down and get myself to sleep. wow it is 5:45am and I am wide awake a little yawny but pretty much awake. My mind has been racing. Wish I could settle it but it is part of the process of exclaimed fast induced sobriety. Most of what i have been thinking about is my behavior the last year of not working, drinking a heck of alot and altogether not doing the best job of taking care of myself. Also i just want to be more present and ease up on just about everything i tend to get dramatic about.
In 2 days will be my 1 year anniversary to my trip to Peru. With that trip I felt it completely changed me but I am still figuring out how. For alot of the trip it taught me how to love again and that ultimately things are going to be ok. If I could got to South America let alone the Amazon by myself and hang out with some shamans and be ok I can probably handle alot of things. Part of me feels last April's trip was just a beginning of enlightenment and that I need to go back. I would like to go back with A and do some ceremonies, if he would want to go and if we could go moneywise and all.
It is weird this time around with the MC I don't really crave food yet, i have felt hunger but not in the usual way. Last night I caught up with S at the theater then we went to the pub and as usual we didn't make it back to a show cause we got all yapping. I sat drinking the lemonade,while S got a beer and a wine and ate a BLT and I did not feel like I wanted any of the stuff.
Funny, odd, creepy thing happened as we walked to the subway we saw this black guy leaning against a car lighting a cigarette, but then noticed the guy was completely nude his pants around his ankles then he acted all shocked when we walked by and pulled up his pants- trying to figure that guys logic- he probably was taking a piss but why not find a less trafficy area? and who takes a piss then lights a cigarette before pulling up ones pants? then act all shocked that people see you all nekkid, wtf? maybe he was trashed I have been trashed before and needed to do the public urination I at least attempt to find a place that people would not be walking by and try to do be as quick as possible. Anyway after the unexpected public nudity I was like ahh darn really i was not expecting that and now would like my brain back, for the next 2 blocks S was so funny she was like did you see that guy he was hung kinda like a horse, I laughed and was like yea and she said "it's good to be back in NY" ha ha. I can't believe the two months of S being in LA have already passed - she seems great, confident and ready to take on the whole acting career - I admire the focus in her and actually most of the people in my life like L with design and painting, A with getting the bar started. One thing I can't think of is my thing I want to do too many things art and act and trying to balance too many things most likely has been a detriment for me. Even though i feel like somewhat of a failure, must say I have had one of the best years of my life not working regularly gave me opportunity to see what i would naturally want to create that being love, art and acting. But right now I just basically need to find something that is going to pay the bills cause May rent is impending... i am kind of amazed i have been able to make it thus far living alone. Maybe i am suppose to go with the flow and things will happen. Clarity has not been a part of me for a while and would like to work on that. Today i would like to just clean and get more stuff out of my house. Clean out the inside of my body and my living environment. Also figure some creative ways of getting work the ole' e-mailing the resume is not working so it is time for some directed creativity.
ooh just notice my headache is gone, Ok I am going to attempt to sleep.
